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Submitted on
October 26, 2012
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submerged in silent seas among the polyps,
pressure polished--a sparkle like Calypso's shuttle
shines elliptic and elusive in the downs, down where
optics fail and the seafloor ripples catch and sway
in swirling riddles like scattered Coptic stanzas.

snatched from Assyria, gold stolen and cycled
through serial societal transgressions--and once
aerial, contraband clutched in raptor snares
slipped--spilled, among the Urals,
and spinning through the acid and urea

of city sewers, doused in chloride
and the caustic current leading to the sea,
collapsing into Celtic knotwork; enclosed
in sand and calyxed like the season's close,
calcite-consumed, sunken, decayed--

reclaimed.
Read by the lovely =DrippingWords here: [link]

Holy shit, alliteration.

So, this is highly experimental and hugely inspired by the incredible work of ^NicSwaner ("Sojourner," in particular). I'm not entirely sure if I like it, and whether or not I should share the process behind it or just let it be taken at face value.

Critiques are very much welcome, particularly if you have any suggestions for the last stanza. I'm happy with the sentiment--the wording, not so much.

Edit 10/27: Fiddled with the last stanza (thank you *0hgravity <3). The original:

of city sewers, doused in chloride
and the caustic current leading to the sea--
collapsing into Celtic knotwork in the sand.
enclosed, calyxed like the season's end
sunken in calcite to consume and decay
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:iconpalaeorigamipete:
palaeorigamipete Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:faint:
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:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012
:iconspazhugplz:
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:iconpalaeorigamipete:
palaeorigamipete Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:lol:
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:iconlaitma:
Laitma Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2012  Student General Artist
Whoooooooooah, what an epic use of alliteration, my gosh! It really creates such a rhythm and the imagery, the details... so neat! Particularly how you actually pulled on proper nouns for this one, like Assyria and the Urals, it only adds so much more imagery to this~ *-*
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:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2012
Thank you so so so much, Lai! <3
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:icontisserande-d-encre:
tisserande-d-encre Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2012  Student Writer
Dooohhh.... Alliteratioooooon..... :love: Likes it :D

Very good. Gravity did help, it sounds better that way (reads better)
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:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2012
Thanks! :D

Yes, Gravity was a huge help. :heart:
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:icontisserande-d-encre:
tisserande-d-encre Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2012  Student Writer
:nod: :D
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:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
elusive in the downs I think that sums up this poem for me. I had to read it slowly and that isn't a bad thing, I don't think; there is a lot here to be digested.

after several reads it has definitely grown on me. I really like the ancient and mythical feel. you should keep experimenting; experimentation is fun.
also, I would like to hear the process.

as for the last stanza, I think the last bit on the third line "in the sand." is cutting the flow. maybe find a way to continue through to the next line?
maybe:
of city sewers, doused in chloride
and the caustic current leading to the sea--(I really like these first two lines by the way)
collapsing into Celtic knotwork; enclosed
in the sand calyxed like the season's end
calcite sunken to consume and to decay

ehhh...anyway, I just feel like all it really takes is some rearranging and an extra syllable or two. also season's end is chopping it up a bit...maybe 'season's final day'
I hope this was helpful!
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:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2012
Thank you so much. <3 I will note you about the process--it's a fair bit convoluted. :)

Yesyesyesyesyes. I am in complete agreement with that and I've flung a few things around in that last stanza. I think it sounds better--maybe not perfect yet, but at least better.

of city sewers, doused in chloride
and the caustic current leading to the sea,
collapsing into Celtic knotwork; enclosed
in sand and calyxed like the season's close,
calcite-consumed, sunken, decayed--


Whatchya think?
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