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and the world will crumble, darling, but we will watch the stars--
watch the coasts curl up at the edges and the foam-slick sea drag them under
and history will bloom in brass and copper nebulas,
untainted by the tortured earth and its pleading
flecks of ash below.

but we will watch the stars
watch the galaxy unwind, spirals stringing out
the taste of ozone and plasticities.

the heaving sea will recede--the glaciers
pour their hearts out
the dunes rise up to the sated horizon.

we
will watch the stars.

and the hungering infernos hold no sympathy.
I've been listening to my ocean sounds recording. Apparently that pulls post-apocalyptic love songs out of me. I wish I knew who I'm writing this for. :P

I will come back to this--it needs some work. Suggestions welcome. :heart:
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:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2013   General Artist
Hello there, dear heart. :huggle:
I've used this piece's title in my title poem over HERE: [link] :la:
I hope you enjoy the read! :love:
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:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2013
Ooh, thank you, love! :D
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:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2013   General Artist
No, dear heart, thank you! :heart:
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:iconlaitma:
Laitma Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2013  Student General Artist
Obviously you're just writing this to me, dearie, because good gosh ocean and post-apocalyptic imagery are about as good as you can get~ *-*

I really loved the first two phrases of this, the images are so captivating and gorgeously-slung along the lines... (sorry, I'm not nearly so eloquent hahahah)

The second half feels more disjointed to me, doesn't quite tie it together enough to allow the last line to really resound with me, so if I went in it'd be to somehow link the second half to the first half, and give it a bit more of a rise and fall. Of course, all my crit should be taken with a grain of salt--I'm a storyteller and not a poet, hahah, so I always look for a story/climax/thread to cling to; but, my two cents, nonetheless. : )
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:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013
I know right!? Hard to improve on that when it's done right. :love:

I absolutely agree about that last half, though. :shakefist: It's been bothering me since I wrote it. One of these days I'll go back and try to fix it up. :D
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:iconlaitma:
Laitma Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Student General Artist
Yeah, it's alright, too. I never want to offer TOO much crit, because I kinda feel like, by the time something I've done is posted to dA, it's not really anything I wanna touch/fix again. xD I appreciate it when people point out things I didn't notice, but I never like going back to fix them; so don't feel to obliged, either! Just keep on chuggin' along. c:
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:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013
Yeah, I'm the same way... I'll agonize over it until I post it, but after that it's just kinda... done, y'know? I'll take the criticism and digest it and apply it to future pieces, but I'm far more likely to just rewrite the thing completely than touch it up.

/absolutely thought she was the only one omg
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:iconlaitma:
Laitma Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Student General Artist
Awwwwwwwww, not at all, darlin' and I'm sure we're not the only ones. :heart:
I think a lot of people feel this way, but we still request critique because it just seems like... the right, and non-egotistical way to do things?? xD But yeah, honestly most times I already know most of what doesn't work, so I don't often actually request critiques. There's a finality to dA, too, where what you post feels like it's always gonna be the final version... it's an odd dilemma, huh? xD

Also, seconded on the re-writing. If I write something that I have a problem with, trying to edit it NEVER seems to work, and just makes me lose my flow/bog me down. I almost always just throw that copy out the window and start over from scratch, it's just... easier this way, somehow. D:
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:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013
Right, like... I definitely want to improve and I want to hear people's suggestions, but so I know what to do better next time. It's kind of draining/frustrating going back to the same thing over and over, y'know?
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:iconlaitma:
Laitma Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Student General Artist
mmmmmmhm, mmmmmmhm. /nods wisely
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:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013
-nods along with you, hippie style-
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(1 Reply)
:iconlaitma:
Laitma Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Student General Artist
Awwwwwwwww, not at all, darlin' and I'm sure we're not the only ones. :heart:
I think a lot of people feel this way, but we still request critique because it just seems like... the right, and non-egotistical way to do things?? xD But yeah, honestly most times I already know most of what doesn't work, so I don't often actually request critiques. There's a finality to dA, too, where what you post feels like it's always gonna be the final version... it's an odd dilemma, huh? xD

Also, seconded on the re-writing. If I write something that I have a problem with, trying to edit it NEVER seems to work, and just makes me lose my flow/bog me down. I almost always just throw that copy out the window and start over from scratch, it's just... easier this way, somehow. D:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2012   General Artist
The pacing of this piece, the delectable word choice, and just about all the other little subtleties make this poem so very very beautiful, never just "acceptable" :love:
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:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2012
Thank you so much, Dee, you're a sweetheart. :heart: :heart: :heart:
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:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012   General Artist
You're always welcome, dizzylove! :heart: :heart: :heart:
I can't tell you how blessed I am to have met wonderful friends like you in this fantastic place! :tighthug:
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:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012
The feeling is mutual. :heart:
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:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012   General Artist
Awwh! :tighthug:
I hope you have a merry Christmas, darling! :love:
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:icongentlemananachronism:
GentlemanAnachronism Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Beautiful. Just...beautiful.
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:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2012
Thanks so much. :heart:
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:iconlordrook:
lordrook Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012
:O
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:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012
:heart:
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:iconlordrook:
lordrook Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012
;)
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:icondanglinleaf:
danglinleaf Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012  Hobbyist
I love the imagery, beautiful!
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:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012
Thanks so much! :heart:
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:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
beautiful imagery in this one... history will bloom in brass and copper nebulas

listening to andrew bird as well, eh? (plasticities)
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:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012
Thanks. :heart: That's the line that started the whole thing. :)

Yessssss. <3
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:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
welcome :). haha, I seem to pick those out.

:thumbsup:
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:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012
:heart:
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Your imagery is so very beautiful, I adore your writing. You have a fresh way of looking at things which makes all your poetry fantastic.
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:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012
Oh, thank you so much. :huggle: That means a lot to me. :heart:
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:iconcoloringtherain:
ColoringTheRain Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I imagine the ocean in space... if that makes sense...
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:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012
Perfect sense. ^^
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:iconnawkaman:
nawkaman Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012
It's quite beautiful. I was struck by "foam-slick sea" Such a wonderful piece of language. If I had any suggestion, it would be to explore a bit further into the latter half of the poem. It felt like the first stanza was a fantastic start, and the rest was still very strong in terms of language flow, but not as connected or fully realized for the imagery and meaning.

Still, beautiful!!
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:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012
Thank you! :heart:

I agree, the last half definitely needs some work. It's a bit abrupt... I'll work on it. ^^ I appreciate the input. :heart:
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:iconnawkaman:
nawkaman Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012
No problem!
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:iconthegalleryofeve:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I like it! :nod: ... I wouldn't change a word, in my opinion it's great the way it is! :hug:
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:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012
Thank you so much. <3
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:iconthegalleryofeve:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You're welcome! :hug:
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